Move over Britney you have NOTHING on Jennifer Ellison.

Goddamn she makes it so easy to make fun of her! But just because I want to see how clever you fuckers are, let's see if you could come up with a better caption for what's going on in this picture...

Dear Tom from MySpace,

I just got back from the store to get some more razor-blades and hair-dye in hopes of relaxing in front of the computer at Emo Central (your site.) When to my shock and dismay I found this page by that fake fuck, Kevin Federline. What the shit is this, Tom? Why are you letting these wannabes onto our blessed online Emo-topia? You've changed, man.

MySpace used to be a place where we could celebrate our individuality by sharing tips on how long we should go without washing our black hair, how thick-rimmed our glasses should be, and interesting ways to shrink our clothing, all the while as we upload songs that are uncleverly composed yet wrought with deep, melancholy lyrics. But now we have to put up with these fake white hip-hop "stars" who disgust us with their asinine desire to conform to afrocentric traditions. Dude, you've just turned my non-smile into a frown.

To top it off, I can't get this fucking "Popozao" song out of my head. This is killing me, Tom. Does this mean I like white rappers now? My parents are going to be pissed at you if this is true, Tom. They think I spend way too much money at Hot Topic as it is. They'll disown me if I start buying Sean John clothing.

I guess what I'm getting at, Tom, is that it's never too late to stop selling out. Sure, you sold off your website to corporate media, and they now use it as a vessel for famous musicians and stars to make fans feel like they're approachable. And sure, you probably make more money than my dad, which I'd know if I cared enough to see past the dark emptiness of my existence shown through my greasy hair and paid attention to his financial status. But it's STILL not too late to stop being a corporate pawn. Po-po-popoza*GODDAMMIT! I swear I'd cut my wrists right now If I wasn't saving the new razor blades for when this girl I like comes over. At least I hope it's a girl. It's hard to tell these days.

Go to hell with me,
Emo Kid

I believe we were "destined" to see her titties sooner or later...

I gotta tell ya, Into the Blue came out on DVD yesterday, and though I've not seen the movie, or have any clue what the storyline is about, I intend to buy this one. This is a weird move on my part, because I tend to consider buying DVD like they're an investment. So that usually means I check out the reviews, see the movie in the theater, then see it again when it's released on DVD. If I feel i could still watch it over and over, then I purchase it. But seeing as how Jessica Alba in a bikini is ALL I know about this movie, I'm fucking sold...





I never thought I'd be jealous of Paul Walker...

Aww, isn't it adorable when new couples have their first fight? This one started when Vince Vaughn got fed up about being hounded by reporters and papparazzi (most likely because they aren't focusing on HIM as a person, but basically Jen's boytoy.) He also is tired of Jennifer's constant whining about her ex-husband, and he even accuses her of using him as a sex object. Man, I always suspected Vince Vaughn was a mix of asshole and asshat rolled up into one pasty, disgusting creature, but this little temper tantrum proves it. Dude, she got traded in for a better model by Brad Fucking Pitt! You'd moan about it too. Don't tell me you weren't aware that she was using you as a rebound-fuck.

I'm interested to see how the make-up sex will come about if the argument is stemmed from sexual frustration...

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I've said it before, and I'll say it again. More often than not, I can't stand the sight of redheads. I guess a few freckles around the nose is cute, but when your entire body is covered in them, it's just not attractive to me. So, I guess it's not really the ginger hair color that actually bothers me. Seeing as how I'm feeling a little randy after looking at this photo, I guess that's all the proof I need...

While most of us went to see our dreaded family and engorged ourselves on food (y'know, the time-honored traditions,) celebrities choose this time to go on vacations. It makes sense in a way, though. Celebs know we plebians are too busy watching our grandparents get drunk and calling our cousins losers while staying in a domestic setting, so no one is bothering them on the beaches. For instance, the Hilton sisters enjoyed the holidays in Maui, and Ricky Martin apparently has confirmed our suspicions whilst sunning and funning in the French Carribean. Looks like he's living La Vida Scrota, after all...

Well, since I had no intention to elicit a bad view of the Hispanic community with my article yesterday, I thought I'd give you a more positive outlook on things. And since there is nothing more positive than the thought of Jennifer Lopez naked, blah blah boobies...

Hey all, hope you had a merry X-mas and all that jazz. Anyfuck, back to the grind. While you were festively drunk, this stupid shit happened:

This last Saturday was a time for most to check their own lists twice, and get all the last minute shopping out of the way. But for San Antonio Spurs player Tony Parker and girlfriend Eva Longoria, it was a time to act like you're above the law. While blocking traffic a bike cop pulled up and smacked the roof of his car (the universal police sign for "get a fucking move on.") But rather than doing what the officer wished, Parker decided to bitch and moan about his precious car being touched. Then the infuriated officer asked for Parker's license, in which the only one he had was a French license. As the officer wrote a ticket for the basketball star not having a license for operating a vehicle IN THIS COUNTRY, as well as impeding traffic, Longoria spouted off with, "He's just some Mexican bike cop trying to get your autograph." She denies making the remark, stating this,

"It's a shame that one officer conducted himself in such an inappropriate and disorderly manner. I never made any sort of racial slurs, let alone made any comments about the officer being Mexican, as a Mexican myself."

So what you're saying is that because you both are of the same heritage, there's no way you would point out his skin color? I call bullshit on that. I read shit about this bitch's delusions of grandeur all the fucking time, so I don't doubt at all that she said the comment. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she said something even MORE offensive, like, "Just let the little beaner fill his ticket quota, Tony. That way he can keep pedalling tortillas home to his family..." I'm thinking the fact that Eva is Mexican herself is the ONLY reason her comment didn't land her ass in jail.

Listen, cunt. Try and fess up that you did, in fact, make that off-color comment about the policeman. I'm a little worried the guy could lose his job if his department thinks his report was false. Oh, and Tony? Get a fucking Texas driver's license! Jesus, they practically shit it into your hands at the DMV these days...


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Hey, wanna do your part in patriotic support of the American flag and liberty? This is Wafah Dufour, apperaing in GQ magazine. But the important thing to know is she's Osama bin Laden's niece. So masturbate vigorously to this picture. Do it for your country. But whatever you do, DON'T try and imagine her with a beard and turban, looking for the facial similarities. Unless it helps, that is...

British actress Keira Knightley is, brace yourselves, NOT good when it comes to the culinary arts. She looks forward every year to the festivities and alimentations that come along with the season, but hates being reminded of her cook-tardedness. Well, that's a big surprise to no one, dumbass. Skinny fuckers can't cook worth a shit. If I have to live by one rule, and one ONLY, it's never eat food made by a beanpole, and never get your hair cut from a bald person. Also, I'd avoid getting your hair cut by Oriental women too, if I were you. Unless you like bowl-cuts.

I bet Keira could burn water...


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You know, like most media whores I tend to wonder about whether it's a sigh of relief or a devastating blow for Nick Lachey to finally rid himself of the shackles of marriage to Jessica Simpson. Let's face it, these titillating photos of her at a cancer benefit must remind him that he no longer gets to tag that ass. So, just for shits and grins, let's weight out the pros and cons of divorcing Jessica for Ol' Nick, shall we?


PRO: He can now make out with strange girls at high school football games without fear of reprisal.

CON: He no longer gets to titty-fuck THIS:

Joaquin Phoenix is preparing to show his new movie Walk the Line at Folsom State Prison, the same place where Johnny Cash performed back in 1968, according to FemaleFirst.co.uk. You know, I don't want to shock and dismay anyone, but something tells me the inmates' general way of being has changed a bit in the last 37 years. More than likely they'd rather see the new 50 Cent film, and then stab each other in approval. What, am I the only person who's seen the TV show Oz? It's fucking gladiator school in prison, not a day nursery.

Also reported was Joaquin's saucy realtionship with co-star Ginnifer Goodwin while on set. Rumor has it that the hairlipped actor dumped Goodwin, who played his first wife in the movie, shortly before filming their break-up scene. Man, talk about your method acting! However, his spokeswoman denies any romance between the two. Says the disillusioned bitch, "Can you have a romance without going on a date?" Uh, around here we call that FUCKING. Maybe it lacks the monetary charm of dinner and a movie, but it's oftentimes way more fun for the willing party.


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Ryan Seacrest has quite a time card these days. When he's not doing his nationally syndicated radio show, he's hosting the shit show American Idol and fellating Dick Clark annually as co-host of his Rocking the New Years claptrap. And now he's been hired to be a news anchor for E! network television. It makes me wonder how he finds the time to bake those delicious Keebler cookies. Of course I better not poke too much fun at him, lest I find my Pecan Sandies glazed over with duckbutter...


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I'm sure many of you might remember this girl from a movie called Clueless and her starring in a few Aerosmith videos. Well now it looks she's just bra-less and poking about these days. But I'm not complaining...

I have a confession. There's only three things I know about The Netherlands: you can smoke weed there, have any imaginable style of kinky sex, and their women are incredibly hot. Take Touriya Haoud, for example. Sure she could use a little more meat on her, but I'd be more than happy to provide said "meat." And after our little Dutch treat, I might give her a Dutch oven. But only because I'm playful like that...

Broke-ass bitch Courtney Love is looking to sell her late husband's song catalog for roughly $100 million. I'd be surprised if she gets $1 million for it, to be frank. I still love the deep-screaming word-salad that Kurt composed, but isn't it a little late of an era to expect that much money from a bunch of Nirvana songs? I'll tell you what, honey. Sweeten the deal a little. Maybe throw in a video of you getting fucked by a horse (a REAL horse, you trashy cunt; NOT the shit you still inject into your bruised arms.) I imagine then it'll make the catalog "pony up" to about the price you want...


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Sean "Puff Daddy Puffy P-Diddy Diddy" Combs claims that his constant name changes were actually just a joke. Well, if it was a joke I didn't get the punchline. Here are a few REAL jokes,

A guy goes to a zoo,
The only animal they had was a dog,
It was a Shitzu.

Here's another one,

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

See, those are jokes. What I think Mr. Combs was doing was proving he either has an identity crisis, or he's just an attention whore. Alas, he insists that you can call him whatever you wish. If that's the case Puffer, then can I call you Music Thief? Or how about Hack? Or maybe even Guy-Who-Raps-Like-He-Has-A-Loogy-in-His-Mouth, or would that be too long of a name?


Read the article here

A few days ago we posted photos of Haylie Duff from her Maxim shoot, and I felt a little robbed. I mean, if I want to ogle at a woman wearing a lingerie top and shorts, then I'd rather she had fuller curves to accentuate the body underneath. And this little number here more than qualifies in that category.

God, I love objectifying women...

Okay, Miss May 1996 has gotten a little beat-down in the face. Plus I almost want to tell her to avoid the sun due to the spots on her chest. But when she walks around in a hot little white dress like that, there's no fucking way I'd say anything to her except for something vapid and sexually harassing. But it's cool. I'm sure she likes it when complete strangers make requests to foot-fuck her...

*Note: I added a photo of her nude from her old days of Playboy for prosperity. I don't want you guys racking your brains imagining her naked...yeah, I know, I'm a saint...

Aaron Carter and his dorky underage friends were partying outside of a club they weren't old enough to get into in Hollywood the other night when someone stole his diamond necklace right off of him. The necklace, valued at $100,000, is uninsured for some stupid reason. Yeah, I'm sure the police will get right on the hunt for that.

I can't believe retarded bullshit like this makes headlines. Or rather I hoped it didn't, because I've been telling all my buddies the A.C. on my new bling stood for "Awesome Cock."


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WARNING: This article contains a lot of numbers. For those of you who get nauseous at the site of numerics, please don't look. Tards.

Paris Hilton has been well known for being a shopaholic. We even saw on TV where she purchased a $1000 purse without flinching. And you just know the only reason she asked for the price was so the viewer could see just how lavish her life was. It made one such as myself ask, "Does she really spent so stupidly on a regular basis?" Then I hear about her taking a trip to Oz merely to shop at Paddington's, and now this: Glamour Magazine reported Paris spending 57,000 pounds in two hours. And let's see, by the current exchange rate to the American dollar, that means she spent $99,345.30. In. TWO. FUCKING. HOURS. I'm sure she made a nice hunk of change for appearing in House of Wax, as well as batting her lazy eye on a few catwalks. But she's only slated to inherit roughly $26 million when her folks kick the bucket, and she's probably pissed most of it away by now. At this rate she'll be double-penetrated in hardcore porn if she plans on keeping up with her high-maintenance lifestyle. But she better hurry up, because at 24, she'll be considered too old for the industry in two years.

No wonder the bitch keeps trying to hook up with Greek billionaires' brats...


Read the article here

Imogen Bailey - Maxim Magazine

Pamela Anderson is starting to show the effects of age and whoring herself out. She looks like a tranny with big hair and huge fake tits. At one point I really thought she was one of the sexiest women alive, but sadly this carrot dude is starting to look more appealing than Pam.

I hate vegetables.

Call me nutsy, but isn't it just humanizing to see a star doing everyday normal stuff? Sometimes you look at Hilary Duff and think to yourself, "This girl has it all. I bet she even has people who are hired JUST to scratch her ass for her." And then you see her scratching her own ass. We're not too different after all...

In a neverending melee of proof that Tom Cruise is a dumbass, his alternative medicine consultant is now about to be indicted for fraud, grand theft, and malpractice. It seems Feline Butcher referred a liver cancer patient to an unlicensed physician who told him to stay away from chemotherapy and charged him over $150,000 in what was basically snake-oils and sugar-pills. Butcher, a staunch scientologist (hence her affiliation with Cruise,) seemingly led the patient and his wife to believe the guy was actually licenced. Now, for starters, I'm not a big fan of the concept of alternative medicine, especially when it comes to fighting cancer. Sure, there's nothing wrong with drinking green tea and alkaline water, but that should be coupled with the more effective ways of fighting cancer. Anything else should just be there to increase appetite and help strengthen the immune system after regular chemo treatments. I'd also like to point out that the bitch's name is FELINE BUTCHER. You'd have to be fucking nuts to take advice from someone whose name is synonymous with CAT KILLER.

I'm sure Scientology has nothing to do with this whole ordeal, but I'll be fucked if that doesn't just sink the religion THAT much closer to being equated with the likes of cults such as the Branch Davidians and Jim Jones' Koolaid Crew. Why can't people just accept the fact that being a nudie pagan is the way to go? There's something to be said about smoking hash and hanging out butt-naked in the forest...


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We've all heard the stories (from Michael Jackson himself) about how he was so excited the moment his first child was born he just grabbed him and ran out of the hospital, leaving the mother, Debbie Rowe, torn and insignificant. Well, that could have pretty much been a metaphor for how Michael treats his children, as evident from Michael's unapologetically taking the children and moving to Bahrain. As far as he's concerned, they're his, and Debbie has no right to claim them as part of her. Well, it appears the baby factory has finally grown balls, because she has filed papers noting his devious and illegal acts to gain full custody of the children, and is working on a court order to get them back to the States.

I'd love to say, "Way to go, Debbie!," but frankly I'm just wondering what took her so fucking long. She's been a submissive little wimp about all this shit even after their divorce. No self-respecting PERSON, much less mother of a bunch of beautiful tow-headed children like the three in question, would allow some man who wasn't even their real father to abduct them. Oh, did I forget to bring that part up? Well, why should I? It's obvious they aren't Michael's real children. Sure, the very fact that almost the entire Jackson family has bleached their skin and replaced just about every afrocentric feature they could find doesn't mean shit to me. See, I remember a pre-vitiligo Michael Jackson, and that guy was inarguably black. Need more proof? Look at Tito. He hasn't done shit to himself.

Nope, there's a good reason Michael keeps his "children's" heads covered, and it isn't because he wants them to have anonymity or just part of his quirky behavior. It's because he's afraid that if the public were to to actually see their faces, then we'd all realize they looked whiter than Pat Boone and therefore know they aren't his. I've seen many a mixed child in my day, and though they're generally cute as hell (assuming one of their parents aren't grotesque,) they tend to take on more obvious black traits. There is that possibility that Michael has taken measures to bleach his children and possibly get plastic surgery done for them, but if that's the case, I'd personally be the first to throw a brick at the kiddie-fucker for mutilating babies.

So what do I think Debbie should do? Well, for starters maybe she should stick to her original story about how the children aren't really Michael's, and NOT retract her claim shortly afterwards. Then we the SANE people of America should support her right to full-custody of them and urge our courts to impose legal action to have him return them to her. If anything, we should at least demand a DNA test to prove whether or not they're his. But if he refuses ANY of this, we should throw his ass in prison. Let's face it, the guy's a fucking child-molester, and should have been locked up in the early 90's. But unfortunately justice is not only blind, but deaf and dumb as well. Maybe it's time the dubious lawyers and ignorant judges learn the risks of letting an obviously pathological sex-offender like him get away with shit like this because of his high-profile status. It's like my granny used to say, "If one person thinks you're a kiddie-fucker, well, you can't please everybody. But if EVERYONE thinks you're a kiddie-fucker..." Or something to that extent. My granny is strange.

This day and age we all know what to do and NOT do when it come to the risk of contracting the AIDS virus. But some people tend to look past that as they feel their egos make them better than a simple retrovirus. Unfortunately AIDS doesn't discriminate; just ask Magic Johnson. Kate Moss' former boyfriend and tremendous asshat, Pete Doherty, might have put her in a position to realize such a truth. You see, Pete's drug dealer is HIV-positive, and though they never shared needles, they do tend to keep them in the same glass. And something tells me if your system's full of horse you never know which needle is which, and most likely you don't care.

So, here's the deal, Kate. Go get your skinny ass tested quick, because if you've got the virus, you need to work quick to maintain it. You're not exactly the epitome of health right now. As far as the rest of you, I know that bad-boy image guys like Doherty convey is considered mad-sexy, but there's a possibility they are just idiot vacuums for the AIDS virus. Avoid them like , well, the PLAGUE. Here, let's break down the difference between a bad-boy and an AIDS-iot:

Rachel Stevens 2006 Calendar

Brad "P-Whippy" Pitt reportedly celebrated his birthday by doing shit for his new woman; namely buying each other Cartier rings. To two are alleged to "tie the knot" in a Buddhist-like ceremony at his Malibu home at an undisclosed (and possibly just contemplated) date. The weird thing is, the marriage won't be considered legally binding. So what the hell is the point, you might ask? Well, considering the two are gaining one hell of a reputation for going through lovers like I go through kegs of beer, the idea of a fake marriage isn't a bad one at all for them. I once had a friend have a fake wedding in the second grade, and I still can't believe my buddy went through with it. I swear we all told him at the bachelor party about her eating her own boogers. But I guess love sees past all that...


Read the article here

Now there's no denying the fact that Serena Williams is, by DEFINITION, a butterface. I'd even go so far as to say she actually looks like Dennis Rodman in drag. And since we've all been privy to seeing THAT on a number of occasions, there's really no need to visualize the similarity too much. But if there's one thing I'll give her, she has a fantastic set of tits.
I remember being a lowly bartender in college and working the happy hour shift alongside my lesbian manager, who had a thing for watching tennis (of course.) Normally, I fucking HATE tennis. But I never had a problem with watching Serena play. Because aside from the likely chance that the bitch might hit the ball so hard her pooka-shells would tend to fly out of her hair, they would replay her movements in slow-motion on a constant basis. And as any man who religiously tuned in to Baywatch can tell you, tits bouncing up and down in slow-motion is a beautiful fucking thing. And Serena's tits looks even better that way. But don't ask me what the score was...

I'm loathe to admit I've watched this show a few times. But I can gladly say generally it sucks worse than Tara Reid's gaping vagina-like career. I'll admit there were a few times I thought the pranks were funny, like when they fucked with Warren Sapp at a restaurant by bringing out these extremely large plates of food for everyone's table except for his. The look on his face was priceless when he would see a large bowl of food at his adjacent table, and the tiny coaster-full of shrimp in front of him. But I'm sure a large part of the humor was the underlying suspense you had knowing just how dangerous it is to fuck with a very large and hungry man.

With that in mind, I actually think this new prank sounds funny. What Ashton and his cadre of dipshits may have to realize is there are some people in the entertainment industry who do NOT know how to take a joke. One of these people is Macy Gray. Remember how pissed she got when the Wayans Brothers did that satired performance of her at the MTV Video Awards a few years back, where they showed her muffin and head had strikingly similar hairdos? Yeah, that was tame compared to the fit she might have if she thinks she lost an investor due to someone making her and others believe her Los Angeles-based music academy had black mold. After supersaturating the pranksters' ears with every cussword known to man (and I can only imagine how an enraged hoarse-throated bitch like her would sound,) they finally admit to her that she had been "punk'd." No word on whether or not she took the prank in good humor. Usually that means it didn't go so well...

Look into those evil eyes and tell me she doesn't want to kill a muthafucka...


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Tom Hanks pisses me off. I used to love his madcap antics in films like Big and Bachelor Party. Now the only comedy he ever does is whatever line gets him a cutesy chuckle in any Ron Howard or Spielberg film. Sure, it's a very impressive thing to go from a typecast comedy actor to taking on serious roles. But I think he's gotten a little too big for his britches ever since he died of AIDS in Philadelphia. But can you blame him? The Academy keeps shitting out awards to him for ANYTHING he does. And he merely basks in the glow of his own presence.

Now he's worried that he's not going to be an A-list actor forever. Well, with a movie like the Da Vinci Code coming out soon, I wouldn't be so prematurely worried about shit like that right now. But I can't watch the fucker anymore, because I respected him and enjoyed him back when he was just a comedic actor. The fact that he acts like he's above that sort of thing now makes me think very little of him. I know I've got about as much pull around Hollywood as a paraplegic Hasselhoff-lookalike, but if Tom is so worried about staying in everyone's hearts and minds, he might want to try doing another movie that leans more toward his old roots like Splash. That was a great fucking movie, and I can't see why anyone would think less of him. Sure, he won't be getting any Oscar nominations for it, but he'l be able to prove he can still make us laugh...

In case you guys are ever interested in documentation, these are the official divorce papers that Jessica Simpson filed yesterday. I'm actually kind of suprised that incurable insanity wasn't checked off, because Nick had to have been nuts to put up with Daddy's Little Girl for a little over 3 years. But then again, I haven't seen her naked (yet.) She's probably got a pussy that tastes like ice cream...


Read the documents hereNote: You need Adobe Reader to be able to view these documents. Ad since I'm too fucking lazy to link you to a download source, let's just assume that these are legitimate papers and not just another McRib petition.

Pussies for the Ethical Treatmant of Animals, or PETA as they prefer to be called, make an annual worst-dressed list of celebs, and this year Paris Hilton is the undisputed winner. Initially upon hearing this, I assumed it was because she looks like a lab rat in a makeup and 2x4 factory, but it turns out they're whining about people wearing fur. Man, I once had a broken record that I finally had to throw away, and I don't consider these whiny maggots to be on par with Urban Chipmunk. We KNOW you fuckers don't like fur, and frankly I can agree with you on that pledge. But when you bitch about people eating meat is when you've crossed the fucking line. Try laying off on moaning about us omnivores before you end up being called People Evading Tailpipes up their Anuses...


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Haylie Duff - Maxim Magazine

Leann Tweeden in Stuff Magazine - very hot!

It's Friday, and usually I take this time to do a service for you guys out there by posting nude photos of beautiful women. You see, I'm a firm believer in the maxim that you have to pull one out before you hit the clubs, lest ye be succumbed to the over-anxious need to jiz out seconds into the game when you manage to get a new piece of ass. But I'm also a realist in the fact that most of the guys who come on here to look at beautiful and scantily-clad women think a breast feels like an LCD screen. So that, coupled with my affection (okay, more like ERECTION) for Jessica Alba brings you this gallery of our favorite movie star.

Just about every time I've ever posted pics of Jessica I accompanied it with a rant on how much I'd love to see her naked. But lately I've been trying to 'walk a mile in another man's mocassins,' so to speak. So I ask myself, "if I were dating Jessica Alba (which would be AWESOME,) how would I feel about her posing naked?" And the answer is, "you might as well take pictures of her naked, because if I were dating her, she'd rarely be wearing clothes anyway." Excuse me while I kiss the sky...

Julio Iglesias Sr., age 90, the father and grandfather of famous crooners Julio and Enrique, is expecting his newest child from his 43-year-old wife. Now, normally a respected journalist would start throwing out interesting tidbits like how Enrique will have a great uncle 31 years younger than him, and shit like that. Luckily for you guys, I'm not one of them, because the only thing I found interesting about this piece is that Julio Iglesias Sr. is a retired gynecologist.

I can't seem to be able to fathom what compels a man to become medically trained to fix a woman's vagina. Sure it sounds good when you tell all your buddies that's your career ambition in high school, but chances are you haven't even been any where near a vagina yet. I myself never blurted out stupid shit like that, and I always made an effort to explain to these guys that if a woman were to need the services of a gynecologist it isn't because they're worried about their pussy being too pretty. No, more than likely it's because they've got an unlimited supply of salad and bread coming out of their twats, and I really don't mean to make that sound like they've got an Olive Garden down there. Of course, now I realize I was wasting my time explaining this to these guys, because anyone who makes ridiculous statements like "I'm gonna be a gynecologist when I grow up" probably doesn't have the brain activity it takes to become Dr. Toilet-scrubber at Shitstick Enterprises.

So why would a male want to be a gynecologist? I'd think a woman would be much more comfortable with another woman greasing up her fingers and going downtown for the sake of inspection and not pleasure. And this is assuming she takes her wedding ring off first. I don't know. Maybe some women like the notion of a strange man staring inches away from their muffs and feigning empathy for their horrific cramps. Perhaps I could ask my sister's gynecologist, Dr. Johnny Wood, these questions. And the first question? Why Johnny Wood? Frankly a name like that makes him sound like a cat-grabber.

And what are the tell-tale signs I may have noticed when it comes to male twat-docs? Small hands. They all seem to have them. And we all know what they say about guys with small hands, don't we? Maybe there's your answer. Guy's basically trying to toss a hot-dog through a hallway when it comes to sex, so he may want to have an intricate knowledge of the vagina so he won't get lost.. Makes sense to me. It also explains why Julio Sr.'s grandson has been looking around for tinier condoms...

Adriana Lima in Elle

I don't know if you guys remember her from Harriet the Spy or her role as Buffy's sister, Dawn, on the hit show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But if you do, you may have been just like myself when you saw her in Eurotrip and thought to yourself, "Goddamn, where'd that body come from?" You may have also felt a little gipped due to the fact that there were several opportunistic scenes where she could have pulled out her tits yet didn't. Well, you can always rely on papparazzi and faulty apparel to fill in those much-desired blanks in that movie...

Hilary's less-famous sister, Haylie, is slated to pose in the newest issue of Maxim, and I for one can only say, "Why?" I suppose between the two, she's got more of a figure (at least she's not shaped like a Kleenex box, an affliction her sister tends to have when she's not starving herself.) But the last time I saw her was when she played Summer in Napoleon Dynamite, and even then the only reason she looked halfway decent was because she was the least hokey-looking of all the cast. But who in their right mind would look at Haylie, who basically looks like a much uglier and taller version of her sister and say, "Hey, let's deck her out in lingerie and take pictures of her for a globally-publicated magazine?" Well, evidently Maxim would. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the ugly tree uprooted itself and chased her down, smacking her in the head the entire time. She just not all that good-looking, and the only reason she's even considered famous is because she climbed on her younger sister's coattails. Also I think I'd much rather see Hilary half-naked if I had to choose. Of course, I'm drunk as shit right now, so my judgment is fucked up...


Read the article here

As an homage to both the steadfast visitors from www.alldumb.com and a personal tribute to my, uh, personal needs, I've found more of our favorite top-heavy Brit, Keeley Hazell (32 E's, motherfuckers!) This magazine obviously doesn't feel the need for us to see her juicy nips, but I think some of these photos prove there's not enough electrical tape in the world to cover THOSE sweet areolas...

Mariah Carey is super hot - a little slutty, trampy and whorish, but definitely hot.

Check out the rest of the pictures of Mariah Carey's perfect pretty nipples over here.

You know, if there's one thing I like, it's when hot models have absolutely no problem with showing you exactly what it is that makes their clothing so curvy. And this hottie from Florida is NO exception to that rule. You can always argue for people like Lucy Pinder who refuse to show that remaining 5% of her tits that you have a decent enough imagination and don't need to see the nipples. Well, I've got a hell of an imagination too. And frankly, I'd rather have it spent on imagining myself on top of an ALREADY naked female. So that's why I can appreciate a girl like CJ Gibson, not just because of her free spirit, but also because she's a perfect equation. Apparently half-Filipino and half-Italian = FULL boner-inducing fun in my mathbook...

K-Fed has decided the idea of divorcing him could cost Britney 125 million. This, coupled with a few other decisions, has got me thinking the deadbeat fuck-up might be smarter than we give him credit for. Let's backtrack through their relationship. Despite her KNOWING he's married with a child and one one the way, he convinces Britney to allow herself to be viewed as a homewrecker and start seeing him. Afterwards he convinces her that their love is so strong, a prenup would be insulting. Then, in an effort to further her descent into white trashdom, they have a plastic chair wedding replete with matching tracksuits for the wedding party (and you just KNOW there were Jello shots at the reception.) And now that he knocked her up, he's taken the liberty to show his true colors as a mooching pothead who'd rather shell out hundreds of Britney's dollars on Cristal at the club than stay home and relieve his wife of diaper-duty. Now, he's finally got her pissed enough that she's pondering divorce, and you just know he's relaxing in an expensive hotel room, twiddling his thumbs and belting out an evil laugh after saying, "My plan is almost complete. Now I'll be a millionaire bachelor, and never have to kiss that cottage-cheese ass ever AGAIN! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Aside from the speculation of what Kevin's thinking in his luxury hotel suite, every single one of those actions are what convinces me that this was all part of an elaborate scheme. Either Kevin is a convincing and manipulative bastard, or Britney is a brainless and horrible judge of character; my money leans more toward the latter. That being said, here's what I think Britney should do. Refuse to be the one who initially calls for a divorce, and find out what he has to do that California law will consider grounds enough for a divorce that WON'T entitle him to half her estate. Or better yet, hire radical Muslim suicide-bombers as Kevin's bodyguards. Or an even better idea would be to just divorce him, and learn to live without that extra cash at least until you make another shitty monotoned album that 13-year-old girls will blow all their allowance on. Any of those decisions should work, because in the long run you already sunk yourself into a deep pit, one far deeper than Kevin's dick had to endure...

Oh, you've done it now, Denis. You went and pissed of a slightly-less-strong-as-Jewish-people religious organization by making derogatory remarks about the Catholic Church in your Christmas Special. Despite the possibility of many disclaimer saying there will be parodical slandering of the December 25th holiday done by Denis Leary, the least of those disclaimers being a show titled DENIS LEARY'S MERRY F#%$IN' CHRISTMAS, and yet they think they have a reason to take offense. Frankly, I don't care about whether or not these fuckwads got sand in their puss because Denis pointed out the similarities of ridiculous beliefs between Scientology and Catholicism. I've read this interesting section in the Bible that claims judging people is God's job. And I'm pretty sure there's no side-note in there that says you can go ahead and judge people as long as you start up an assembly of believers. In fact, I think the only verse that gives you permission to judge people is the passage, "Thou shalt render judgement amongst man ONLY if thou hast created a website designed to mocketh pop-culture." I think it's located somewhere near the back...


Read the article here

Check out FHM Magazine's, Kelly Brook's 2006 Calendar.

Despite many esteemed Hollywood busybodies incessantly bitching and moaning about it, the Governator has decided Stanley "Tookie" Williams is still deserving of death by injection, which he'll be facing tomorrow. Naturally we're going to be faced with an onslaught of human interest stories, questioning the morality of the death penalty. And several interviews from over-opinionated celebs who don their asshats and attempt to explain why Tookie's change of character should grant him clemency (or maybe I should say should HAVE granted him clemency.)

I hope he has learned his lesson, actually. That's kind of one of the three points to imprisonment in the first place. But does his decision to not kill anymore make up for the fact that he murdered four defenseless people back in 1979? Fuck no it doesn't. Frankly, I understand he doesn't really even show remorse for his actions. I can't stand it when people think that just because a murderer has a change of heart while awaiting execution, they should not be killed. I remember this cute girl I knew back in my hometown that I really wanted to bang talking to me about how she thought this woman who got the death penalty for taking a pickaxe to her ex-husband and his girlfriend should be granted clemency because she "found God." I told her that was good, because she's getting a much speedier opportunity to meet him, and the only shit I care to hear out of that bitch's mouth is "BZZT." I totally blew any chance of getting tail from the girl, but it was fucking stupid as far as I was concerned.

Well, Tookie, looks like your number's up. Try not to shit yourself too much...


Read the article here

Goddamn, is it just me, or does Jennifer Lopez actually get better looking as she ages? I used to just admire her for that nice, juicy ass, yet figured her chest wasn't worth talking about. But it seems Mother Nature is hooking her up on that feature as well. So come on, you caliente Latina, give us a big smile!





Uhh, okay. You got a little shit on your teeth there. Might wanna lay off on the excess lipstick, babe. But who cares anyway. I'd nail her in a heartbeat...

Jenny Shimizu, a former Calvin Klein model, wants to warn Brad Pitt that Angelina Jolie will never be mutually exclusive to him, at least when it comes to hot lesbian sex. "There has never been an ending to her and I. I think there never will be," quotes Shimizu,"I think we will continue to have a deep relationship. It really does go beyond just the sex." Okay , down for a second, boys. This chick is really butch. I can now see why Maddox always has that mohawk; apparently it's an homage to Jolie's favorite Asian dish.

The pair met in 1993 while filming the movie Foxfire, in which they both portrayed lovers. And ever since they've been trading fur, despite Jolie's many heterosexual relationships. But probably like myself you look at the photo I posted above and say, "No fucking way those two swapped fluids." Well, regard the poetic way Shimizu tells of their intimacy and see if she doesn't become just a tad more attractive to you,

“She is beautiful. Her mouth is amazing. I’ve never kissed anyone with a bigger mouth than Angelina. It’s like two water beds — it’s like this big kind of warm, mushy, beautiful thing."

Yeah, well that might not have been as poetic the second time I read that. It sort of makes Jolie sound like a slobbery kisser. But how does she feel about the future of Brangelina?

"Maybe she would settle down and be with one person but I think she goes looking for excitement all the time.

"Her passion is people and it’s hard to just settle down with one person when you have a whole world in front of you.

"I’m not saying she sleeps with a lot of people. But I can’t imagine her just being married and being happy."

Jesus, girl. You might as well call her a slut. Remarks like that will NOT get your bean flicked, darling...

As a famous and sexy person, I can fully relate to the stressors of everyday life that a hot bitch like Jessica Simpson has to go through. So a nasty divorce could only just add fuel to the fire, and would make anyone a little testy. But does that excuse her from making obscene gestures at poor, innocent papparazzi? Only if the hounding snapshots were followed with questions such as these:

"Hey Jessica, now that you're single, hows 'bout whipping out one'a them sweet titties?"

The guy who photographed Jennifer Aniston topless is lashing back at the actress for hitting him up with a lawsuit. He claims he wasn't trespassing, and was merely trying to obtain photos of her and her pusbag for a new boyfriend, Vince Vaughn. He initially defended his actions by saying this,

"When I saw her come out topless, I go, 'Oh, God, this is not what I want, this is not what people want to buy anyway.' I haven't sold those pictures anywhere.
You know, they're suing me and all the publications who are publishing them, and I haven't sold them anywhere."

But then he responds with THIS,

"Sending the topless pictures along with (the other photos) was maybe my mistake. But I wasn't intending to sell those."

Talk about your all-time contradictory statements. But even though the guy is clearly a fucking liar, I've seen the photos of her tits, and frankly the only thing fascinating about them is they're attached to HER. Honestly, what the hell is so wrong about showing these photos anyway? Is it because she's embarrassed about the sheer ugliness of her bulbous nips, or is it a modesty thing? I think if you've made the decision to become a TV and movie star, then the act of you sunbathing topless in a fenceless backyard is open season for your tits being posted on the internet. You should consider yourself honored that people want to see them in the first place.

Lee Ann Liebenberg - FHM Magazine

I was casually watching television the other day when I kept seeing commercials for a new primetime game show (of which I cannot for the life of me tell you the name of; don't I just kick ass as a journalist?) Anyway, I'm barely observing when I see the host of the show and slightly recognize him, so I wait for the next commercial to confirm who I thought it might be (of course I could have just used the rewind feature on my TV; don't I just kick ass as a lazy fuck?) Well, as expected the commercial came back on and lo and behold the game show's host was none other than Howie Mandel. The reason I couldn't recognize him wasn't because he's a fucking has-been. It was because he shaved all his hair off. By the way, for those of you who don't know who Howie Mandel is, he was this "comedian" in the late 80's who used to put a surgical glove on his head and inflate it with his nose. Good stuff. Really.





Anyhow, it dawned on me that this shaved head craze has gotten out of hand. Sure, it was the COOL thing to do in the 90's because it was the sum opposite of hippiedom and it made fat guys look tough instead of dumpy. And it's the common practice for football teams to shave their heads before a playoff game inorder to promote spirit and unity. But dammit, I'm sick of it now! How in the hell are we supposed to differentiate the neo-nazis anymore? Can't judge them by their army jackets; you can buy that kind of shit at Hot Topic these days. But you look in the media and see all sorts of bald-headedness in 2005. Bruce Willis, Michael Rosenbaum, Billy Zane, and of course old Howie are just a few names I can think of at the moment. Okay, Michael Rosenbaum doesn't really count, because he has to keep his head shaved for all those 'fresh' episodes of Smallville. But the other guys are only doing it because they're actually balding, and don't want to come off looking like Stanley Tucci.

So listen to me now, and don't judge my edict as a biased opinion due to my long, flowing locks. STOP SHAVING YOUR HEADS, BASTARDS! I realize it's not just your fault; corporate society has allowed this travesty to continue by letting you skinheaded fuckers go into the workplace. But it's about time someone told you that shaving your head doesn't make you look like a badass. It actually makes you look more like a dick with ears. I think this video not only proves this doesn't make you tough (actually it appears backwards baseball caps give off the Samson effect,) but also acts as a reminder that no hair will make you uncushioned once you hit your head on the pavement.

Of course, I might just be venting because I shaved my head once, and I looked alot like Charlie Brown. But I seriously doubt it.

Kirsten Dunst claims she can relate to the character she's protraying in Sophia Coppolla's new biopic about Marie Antoinette because of all the shit she had to go through while growing up. Says Dunst,

"Everyone was judging her. I can definitely relate to that - starting so young in this industry as I did - growing up in not a very normal way. I can understand why her behaviour was ostentatious."

Actually when you were young, everyone had nothing but good things to say about you. Now we're trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong. She then adds this,

"When you're a girl all alone, fashion and parties become an escape. And she was so isolated. She was in a pretty prison."

Look, the only thing you two have in common is the fact that your brain is seperated from the rest of your body. And unless Marie Antionette had snaggle-teeth and droopy tits, that's about it. I find it hard to believe any actor or actress can understand the details of a tragic life such as the young French queen's. Especially one as spoon-fed and clueless as Kirsten Dunst. Just phone in your lines like you've done in the last few movies you've been in and shut the hell up...


Read the article here

One of the greatest comedians of our time passed away today from a heart-attack at 65. Despite the final years of his life being rife with suffering from drug addiction and multiple sclerosis, he remained unfettered in his walk through life. His comedic talents have been aped by just about every black performer for the past 20 years, but you know what they say: imitation IS the highest form of flattery. I myself have spent many times in my youth aping his comedy acts, and though I'm sure a lot of the insensity was watered-down to a ridiculous degree by the fact that I'm whiter than corduroy pants and rock-climbing, I always felt his humor was universally accepted. He'll be greatly missed.


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Last month we featured some very nice pictures of Lucy Pinder from her shoot in FRONT Magazine, I really didn't know who she was, but I was instantly amazed at her hotness. So today when I stumbled across some more of her from the upcoming January 2006 issue of her in FRONT Magazine, I was extremely excited. This chick is smoking red hot, and she is exactly what I asked Santa for this year.

So the papparazzi were hard at work the other night outside of LAX trying to get good photos of celebs. And what do they get for us? Nicky Hilton, Kelly Osbourne, and Kimberly Stewart! For fucks sake, where are the REAL celebrities? You know, the ones who didn't gain popularity by hanging on their dad's (or cheap slut for a sister's) scrotes? Remember when people were only interested in referring to people as celebs due to the mark THEY made on the earth, and not some bullshit nepotism? Can you recall a time when NO ONE gave two shits about the children of famous people? You should, it was only ten fucking years ago. Hell, even Nicolas Cage changed his name so he wouldn't be constantly hen-pecked for getting the silver spoon from his famous uncle, Francis Ford Coppola.

Man, I can't WAIT for the day Jessica decides a movie is classy enough to drop trou and show us the goods. I could have probably worded that better by saying something along the lines of, "I can't wait until Jessica deems a movie classy enough to pose naked in an artistic fashion." But we all know we're not going to ogle her muff, ass, and perfect tits and think to ourselves, "Now that's artsy!" Okay I WOULD, but I'd still have my cock in my hand while I thought it...

Tabloid magazine The National Enquirer has unearthed evidenced that David Arquette may have "had relations" with a stripper in Atlanta a year after he started dating his now wife, Courtney Cox. Erika Keith claims that after an evening replete with alcohol and naked lap-dances she slipped Arquette her phone number and indulged in a drunken sex romp at her apartment. She also alleges that a photo of him kissing her ample breasts was taken shortly after he gave her Courtney's cock. Personally, I just see this as a frivolous opportunity to get money out of the famous star. Okay, let's be more realistic; She wants his WIFE'S money.

So she has a few photos of him kissing her tits. So what? If they're as ample as the reports claim, and she's letting you kiss on them at an all-nude strip club, what guy in his right mind WOULDN'T consent to having his buddies snap some photos of him getting a face-plant into some hot chick's dirty pillows? I came home one night after hanging out at Caligula in Dallas for my birthday, covered in tit-sweat and lipstick, and bragged to my then-girlfriend-now-wife about how porn star Danni Sexton grabbed my crotch. Of course I was drunker than shit at the time, but I believe I would have told her even if I came home sober. But would I have had sex with any of them? Of course I would have. But there are certain rules against that kind of cameraderie between the staff and clientele. And I at least like to think I'm way cooler than that dumbfuck and could have at least nailed the tall brunette who claimed to like my style.

Okay, my flooded memories of a great night made me wane a little from the point. There's no proof she and Arquette fucked. End of story.


Read the article here

Donald Trump embarrassed his pregnant wife the other day by making off-color remarks about her current figure on Howard Stern's new radio show the other day.

Says Trump, "You know, they just blow up, right?

"Like a blimp - in the right places. In her case, the right places. I mean she really has become a monster - in all the right places.

"I mean monster in the most positive way. She has gotten very, very large - in all the right places."

Boy, you just know his wife was hell-bent on kicking him in all the nut-places for that comment, despite the fact that he back-peddled to get out of sleeping on the couch. Trump also has revealed that his longstanding crush on Heidi Klum is over due to her weathered appearance after having two kids.

Vomited Trump, "I looked at her the other day, and it's off. There's no question."

Man, what a charmer. I can tell it's not the millions of dollars that get him laid so much. It's his tact and cotton-candy voice. Also his ability to shoot monkeys out of his ass...


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See what happen when you wear a dress made out of paper napkins? Man, if it weren't for all those fucking freckles I might actually be a little attracted to them, I mean HER. But it's nice to know her little bout of anorexia hasn't affected her jubblies much. Now all she needs to do is fire the dumbass who talked her into dyeing her hair and eyebrows and we're in business...

Damn girl! Get some fucking wax for your upper lip! You're starting to look like Rick James (or some other moustached black man who's actually ALIVE today.) Bitch grows a better 'stash than I do...

Pamela Anderson is easily still one of the finest women on the planet, but I still can’t stand her. For instance, just to come out to play basketball with her two sons, she had to come with a cell phone in one hand and a trendy coffee in the other. She looks like the typical soccer here – although she seems a little lost on the court. Too bad Tommy couldn’t stop by for some court time with his boys.

Keeping safe from her LOST co-stars by not drinking and driving, Evangeline Lilly played it safe by riding her bicycle to go shopping. Her boyfriend the gay hobbit was nowhere to be seen. We love gay hobbits, no we really do.

Two female stars of the TV show LOST were arrested for D.U.I recently in Honolulu after they were pulled over for weaving all over the road apparently after a drunken night of partying. The stars; Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros, were following each other to a destination in separate cars and both managed to get pulled over. Michelle Rodriguez is one of my favorite female celebrities, she is smoking hot and that accent drives me crazy. Cythnia Watros is best known for her role in a short lives FOX TV show; Titus, a show that I actually liked to watch.

Read more about these LOST Girl's arrest here:

Sometimes I wonder about Jenny. Things like: Would I be more attractive to her if she stopped acting like a female version of Jim Carrey, and just disrobed and shut the fuck up? Or do her madcap stunts actually make her more attractive? I think the answer is on paper, she's not talking anyway, so what the fuck does it matter? Damn, I forgot how nice those titties were!

The producers of Live 8 have decided to sue Anna Nicole Smith after she appeared drunk and scantily clad for her appearance at a summer concert in Philadelphia. Honestly, though. What the fuck did they suspect? Every appearance she's done since Trimspa helped her shed those excess layers of ass have had her "accidently" exposing her boobs and slurring so much the only real words we can make out is when she raises her arms slowly into the air and says, "Trimshpa, baybee!" Then her boobs pop out, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. What, did they think her appearance at a charity benefit would yield different results?

The producers are trying to get $500,000 for the allegations, which her lawyer, Howard K. Stern, states as "pure fiction and totally irresponsible." He believes she was being used as a scapegoat in a contract she wasn't even aware of, and was totally sober and told her attire was fine before her appearance. I actually believe this is yet another stitch of proof that this benefit organization has lost its way since Bob Geldof created it. The stupid bastards have to trump up ridiculous charges on a poor, innocent piece of ass like Anna, because they spend way too much of the donated money on the pricy demands of their performers. I suspect the judge will slam down his gavel and tell the Live 8 producers to stick it up their asses, assuming Anna Nicole doesn't flail about the courtroom and expose her cootch to the bailiff.

Hey, you may have noticed I didn't make any ludicrous statement concerning her lawyer's name, and how he probably told the reporters to strip down and farted into their microphones. Yeah brothers, that's called integrity.

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She may not be the hottest girl we've ever had on the Tube (I personally believe that's a toss-off, er, toss-UP between Keeley Hazell and Brooke Burke,) but there's something to be said about those DSL's. No, I'm not referring to her broadband connection, I'm talking about her Dick Sucking Lips. I bet she could suck off a guy so hard, he'd never be able to reproduce again, because she'd have sucked his testes through his urethra. Okay, those of you who understand anatomy may be wincing in pain right now, and for that I apologize.

We all know Jim Carrey for his over-the-top antics, but there might be evidence that he really IS crazy. You see, Jim is so obcessed with the number 23 that he's opted to star as a dogcatcher in a movie called The Number 23. His predilection for the number stems from a conspiracy theory dated back to 1723 AD by Adam Weishaupt, another brain donor who revived the Illuminati and focused on the number 23, and its fellow conspiracy numbers 5 (2+3) and 17 (1+7=8 and 2 to the 3rd power is 8.) The number is said to repeat itself many times in the history of the world. Here are just a few examples:

William Shakespeare was born and died on April 23rd, and Kurt Cobain was born in 1967 (1+9+6+7=23) and died in 1994 (1+9+9+4=Guess what? That's right, 23.)

The average lunar (and menstrual) cycle is 28 days (23+5.) Freaky, isn't it?

River Phoenix and Keith Moon, who both died of drug overdoses, were born on August 23rd, and David Giffen of Skinny Puppy died on this date. Man, this is too weird, despite the fact that I bet ALOT of people happened to be born and die on this particular date...

There are only 23 people allowed in an AOL chatroom, and the binary equivalent of 10111 is 23, which has 5 digits. Oh, and the standard TCP/IP for Telnet is 23. Isn't that fascinating? Geeks.

Okay, I can see through the screen that all of your eyes are glazing over, and you've begun to consider scrolling around for the Babes articles. So let me just say that while a few occurances of the number 23 are somewhat interesting, most of the shit it pertains to is merely coincidence. And some instances seem a little deliberate. Besides Jim, considering your last few movies, I would have thought you were obsessed with the number 2. Oh yeah, I went there.

By the way, if you count all the words in this article, you'll find that the number is divisible by 23, which is a lie. Don't fucking count the words in this shit piece...

British actor Bob Hoskins refuses to be knighted by the queen because he can't stand the idea of everyone calling him Sir. Now, I'd totally understand why he didn't want to go through with the act if Queen Elizabeth took to wearing shorter dresses, and kneeling in front of her might make him able to see her mangled beef curtains. But to not want the highest honor given to a person in England because of the title is just stupid.

He claims it's because everyone who's ever given him grief in his career had the title of 'Sir.' But we all know the truth; you just don't want to sound like an old man. I used to make little snide remarks to people who called me Sir as well, but at the time I was just a young man in my late teens. But you actually are an old man. In fact, you've been pretty old ever since the first movie I ever recall seeing you in, which just so happens to be Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And you should consider yourself honored I even remember you in that movie, since at the time you were clearly upstaged by my overactive hormones garnering an mean hard-on for Jessica Rabbit.

Hoskins continues his beratement of the title by adding, "...they lumber you with this kind of Sir on top of you, completely alienating you from your own life. I could imagine me walking into a newspaper shop and the fellow calling me, 'Hello Sir Bob'. My a***." Okay, off-topic for a second, I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be an RSE in place of those asterisks there. Is that really that bad of a word nowadays, arse? I'd see why you may want to cover it up if he said 'my anal rape of a Vietnamese schoolgirl,' but otherwise just leave the fucking quote alone.

All right, back to the point. Dude, you're an ACTOR, and a famous one at that. Sure, you probably don't have women camping out in front of your lawn every night, and I think it's pretty obvious that no one is going to forcefully take a lock of your hair (see photo to understand why.) But if being recognized by millions doesn't alienate you from society, adding an honorable title sure as fuck won't tip the scales. Look, if every knighted person has been a total dick in your eyes, then maybe you should try to be the one Sir who isn't a dick. Stop the insanity, Bobbo, okay?

I'm gonna go pull one out to photos of Jessica Rabbit now. Just think about what I said...

I’m not quite sure who Kelly Brooke is, but she is smoking hot! Check out these pictures of her on the beach topless!

I'm not sure if you guys ever saw the suck-fest that was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. But if you had, you may remember the only decent reason to see it was because of the hot chick that played the new Terminator model. Unless you went to see it because Claire Danes was in it, and then I suggest you get your eyes checked. She has NOT aged well, and frankly she now looks a lot like the jester mask in the movie Saw.

Okay back to the hot one. The moment I saw her, I knew she was some hot shit. of course, it may have been because she was able to make her boobs change size at will. What can I say? That's what I call fucking TALENT...

Justin Timberlake may have decent pipes when it comes to singing (even if all he sings is crap,) but his speaking voice leaves him found wanting. He apparently has lost a few film roles due to the fact that his voice makes him sound like a kid. Personally, I would have said he sounds more like a Keebler elf, but I'm not as nice as most casting directors. Anyway, due to his testicle-squeezed speaking voice he's opted to take lessons on getting his voice lower. Wouldn't it be cheaper if he just took up smoking? And no, NOT pole, if that's what you thought I was referring to. We've already seen how that hasn't helped him one bit.


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Eva Longoria was thrilled when Morgan Freeman commented on her petite size. She says little women are far more approachable than taller models, which is true. They're also easier to pick up and place on top of the cock than fat women, though admittedly I've never tried the latter. This is just me assuming. But you can be sure sex with smaller women have a few more perks than with others. Sure, you risk some heavy thigh bruises from their bony physique, but you can also experiment with them more. For instance, the next time you hook up with a petite girl, try letting her lay flat on top of you, and then after placing your man-meat in her spin her around like a Wheel of Fortune. I'm not sure it'll work, but it's always fun to try shit like that.

C'mon, fuckheads. Admit you're intrigued to try that one out...


Read the article here

April's acting credits only have her listed as "Runway Model" on a show called Soaptalk , and she played a role as "Bikini girl" in an episode of Entourage. So is it fair to assume that she was put on the small-screen to be a nice piece of eye-candy? Judging from the pure hotness she exudes in a bikini, I'd think that was a pretty safe bet.

Whitney Houston has chided Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Beyonce Knowles' corporate endorsements, claming she has never sold herself out as anything more than an actress and a singer. Quotes Houston,

"They are a brand. They sell everything whereas I have only ever been a singer and actress. They do too much promotion."

Hmm. Didn't you have a 1.8 million dollar endorsement with a soft-drink company at one point and time? I also hear there's a rumor that you might be replacing Paula Abdul as a judge on American Idol 5. And let's not forget about your constant appearances on your husband's retarded reality TV show. Yeah, you're just the epitome of not selling out as an actress or singer, aren't you? I guess the REAL question is what the hell have you been smoking, but I think we all know the answer to that.


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I was hesitant to report this to you guys, because lately the reports of Britney and Kevin splitting up have been so common, to say it again would be like crying wolf. But there are pretty good hints that this time the rumors might be true. I'm no detective, but when I hear about her kicking him out for pissing away her money on a million-dollar recording studio in HER malibu home, as well as a shark tank, I'd say that's a pretty good reason to want to leave the freeloading piece of shit.

But we all know K-Fed's been pissing all her money away for quite some time, so that's just not reason enough. Well how about this? Britney spent her birthday in Las Vegas with some girlfriends sans Kevin. A reasonable person would realize he'd have to pack up his shit and find a good friend's couch to sleep on for a few months if they dicked out on their wife's birthday.

Of course, these two aren't what one might consider reasonable. So it'll take just a tad more than that to convince us that the marriage is in the shitter. Something along the lines of Britney getting into contact with divorce lawyers, perhaps? I'll tell you this much, NO ONE goes to divorce lawyers for even merely consultation unless divorce is on their minds.

But then again, few people I know would go to a fucking psychic for marriage advice either, but Britney has. So what would it take for a skeptic like me to believe it's truly over? Where's the finite proof that she's sick of his bullshit and ready to kick that motherfucker to the curb? Well, it's the universally-common way: when you have your man's ride towed off your premises, which Britney in fact did. She sent his $100,000 Ferrari back to the lot. Granted, she gave him the car, but still, to fuck with a man's ride is fucking with his heart.

I sure hope Kevin hasn't ostracized all his old friends, because he's going to need to borrow their couch for a little while...my, how the trashy have fallen, hahahaha...

Marilyn Manson and long-time girlfriend Dita Von Teese got married today at their friend's house in Kilsheelan, County Tipperary, Ireland. Man, these divas have GOT to stop being jealous of each other. Marilyn, we all know you only did it because Xtina got married last weekend. Try and be original for once in your fucking life. Okay okay, congrats to you and your beautiful new wife. But if you end up getting your name changed to Starfucker Von Teese, I'll be up your ass quicker than your woman's honeymoon strap-on...


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One of the retarded masses of white boys who idolize Eminem has paid the ultimate homage to his lord and savior by murdering an aquaintance and stuffing her into a suitcase almost identical to the one in Em's video "Stan." Naturally the assumed next step wil be to blame Eminem for his influence in this killing. But the thing is, the guy who did it isn't 14 like most would expect; He's 21. Frankly, that just means the guy is a fucking loser.

I really don't understand how people become so obcessed with celebs that they emulate their looks and actions, which is partly why I write for this website. I will admit there are musicians that I admire. But if I were to try and do everything my favorite songs told me to, I'd be asking Jesus to help me clean my wounds, or living after midnight and rocking 'til the dawn. Actually now that I think about it, I do that, but not in that order. Usually I just drink way too damn much, and spend the next morning promising God that if he gets rid of my terrible hangover I'd never drink again.

But the point is, maybe the only reason these musicians write these lyrics are to entertain us, and not to suggest shit. In fact, I'm pretty sure "Stan" was Eminem's way of reminding us NOT to do what he says. Guess the message got lost in translation on its way to the UK.

Remember a few weeks back when we showed a hot young British chick by the name of Keeley Hazell? No? Well, remember when I showed 12 pictures containing one of the greatest set of funbags ever to appear on your LCD? Yeah, I thought that might ring a bell. Well, the last time I put her on the site, I wasn't sure the comments section was working properly. Boy, was I wrong. You guys sure do like tits...

After a very longstanding feud, Oprah and Dave decided to make amends and act more jovial toward each other. And last night, she appeared on Letterman's show. Now, try as I might, I couldn't sit down and stomach the fucking show long enough to watch their reunion. I watched a little of the beginning part (you know, the monologue, the Top Ten, all that shit,) and I couldn't get over how much Dave was kissing her fat ass! This is not the same David Letterman I've grown to love as a performer, compromising his principles like this. Just about every other guest that's ever been on the show didn't seem to mind him poking a little fun at them. And really, it's always in good jest. But I had to stop watching before she actually came onto the set, and he commenced to plant his face firmly between her cheeks. Although, if that actually were to happen, I might have wanted to continue watching. Great, there I go thinking with my dick again...





Is that Chastity Bono behind Oprah? There goes my erection...

First of all, I'd like to point out while the US is a gluttonous, arrogant, and wasteful country, at least we don't club baby seals. In fact, I imagine you go up to any red-blooded American and ask them how they truly feel about the practice of killing those adorable, big-eyed creatures, and the majority would be vehemently opposed to it. The rest might just be curious as to how the meat tastes.

That being said, I applaud celebrities like Paul McCartney and Bono, who have the gumption to express their distaste at this horrid practice. McCartney is well known for using his status as a well-loved musician to boycott countries for their mistreatment of anim*...hold on, I'll be right back...

Okay, my dog was barking too loudly, so I had to go kick him in the throat. Shuts him up every time. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, SIR PAUL, I commend you for your zealous acts toward our friends in the animal kingdom. More people like you should be aware that this is the 21st century, and such unethica* GOD DAMMIT, IS THAT FUCKING DOG BARKING AGAIN? Hold on again, sorry...

Okay, it turned out the neighbor's cat was taunting my dog, so I shot the little fucker. Bet an assful of rat-shot will keep the little bastard out of the yard! So, before I was so rudely interrupted, what was I saying. Fuck, let's just say Paul McCartney's a great guy and leave it at that. Fucking animals...


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Brooke Burke is one of my all time favorite women. She is extremely hot; in fact she easily makes my top 10 of the sexiest women alive. She has more sex appeal than the words Sex Appeal.

All hail The Feeding tube’s goddess in this awesome FHM Magazine photoshoot.

George Michael, famous for being the frontman of 80's pop group Wham! as well as a very lucritive solo career, but probably even MORE famous for coming out of the closet and shocking the world. Wait a sec, guys. Mikes trying to tell me something. What? Aw come on, I was the only one shocked about that? He had that really cool leather jacket with all the sparkly shit on the back; don't tell me that's not manly...

Anyway, he's got a bit of advice for fellow pop star Robbie Williams; try developing homosexual tendencies in order to stay in the public eye. Most likely this was followed by the suggestion of "rodgering him in the arse," or whatever crazy slang term for butt-sex those Brits tend to use. I can hear him now, "C'mon Robbie luv, homo sex is natural and fun, but best when it's one on one...C-C-C-C-C-C-C'MON!!! Oy, where ya goin'? Don't be like that, mate. Plug me up before you go-go..." Well Robbie, my advice is to completely ignore Big Gay George's suggestion, but if you go through with it, you could do a whole hell of a lot worse than George Michael. And yes, I'm referring to Elton John...

But maybe there's method to George's madness. I'm not saying actually go through with the act of steamy man-love, but making people wonder is always kind of a fun challenge. You might even steal Michael Stipe from REM's infamous line, "The only person who needs to worry about my sexuality is whoever's sitting on my cock." Hell, the 'is he or isn't he' strategy has been keeping Tom Cruise in the limelight for the past quarter century. Except he really IS gay, but that's beside the point.

Robbie, the thing you must actually realize is George is hitting on you. I know you both are British, but I don't think that's a real tearoom he's trying to take you to. The funny (and oftentimes annoying) thing about gay men is that they're MEN. And men tend to get a little too touchy-feely when they're hitting on people. I once had a gay guy who looked an awful lot like David Spade put his hand on my leg and ask me why I wasn't gay. I responded with, "I don't know. You'll have to ask God that, who you're going to meet very soon if you don't get your fucking hand off my leg." The nerve of that guy, treating me like a piece of meat. Fucker didn't even buy me a drink first. Come to think of it, he sounded a lot like David Spade too. Hmm...nah, it couldn't have been. Spade's got way too much machismo.

According to the prophecy (read: Rosie's deluded babblings, possibly due to her daily intake of laced Krispy Kremes,) The world will end in July of 2006. Now I know she's just yanking our chain, but her humorous slant on foreseeing the future has been taken so seriously that Hollywood.com has deemed it newsworthy. So allow me to finish what she started. After the coming Apocolypse, the liberal bastards will have mutated into ACTUAL pussies, overwhelming the entire West Coast with the stench of irradiated dead fish. Middle America will be constantly terrorized by the new regime of sentient John Deere tractors. And the East Coast, well let's just say most everyone will be decimated due to the Puerto Rican/Cuban war of August 2006. Those left living will be enslaved as either pig farmers of cigar-rollers. In fact, the only sanctuary left will be Texas and Alaska. But good luck getting there. All the Texans will line the borders with 30-ought-6's, and let's face it; Alaska is just a sucky place to live. As far as the rest of the world is concerned? I don't really give two shits. Except for Iceland, that is. You guys rock...


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